Did I Say That Out Loud?
by gonnabeastarr
Summary: Phantom of the Opera moviefic. Watch as a rabid Erik fangirl who would rather be doing him and a girl who absolutely detests him try to explain the movie in lamence terms. Insanity ensues, as well as much inmind Phantom molestation and bashing.
1. The molestation of Miss Daae

**Disclaimer: I in no way shape or form own any of the Phantom Of The Opera characters.**

**Explanation: This fic is what everyone is thinking but not saying in certain scenes of Phantom of the Opera. My brilliant Co-writer (Kat) and I (Michele) will be providing the commentary. Just a note: both of our commentaries are biased because Kat LOVES the Phantom and I don't.**

**Lets begin.**

**The Mirror **

_**Christine- Hmm the angel sounds hot…I wonder if I could do him.**_

**Kat- back off bitch he's mine.**

_**Phantom- Raoul's not getting any unless I do!**_

_**Raoul- Oh my god! Someone's screwing Christine and it's not me! Why…oh god why?**_

**Michele- Oh she's stepping through a two way mirror…no he's not looking through it when she's changing.**

**Kat- No! Quit it! You're making him perverted.**

_**Christine- Let me make the neck of this nightgown a little lower so he can see down my shirt.**_

_**Phantom- That's right touch my hand…and whatever else you might find along the way.**_

**Kat- Back away from the hot Phantom man!**

**Michele- We're sorry Kat's not here right now…she's umm…hurting.**

**Kat- Why…oh god why…it's my Phantom.**

_**Christine- I feel feel woozy. I think I've been drugged.**_

_**Phantom- I hope she didn't notice the weird taste in her water from the sedative. **_

_**Christine- I'm just going to follow the strange man that looks at me through a weird two way mirror, through a hidden hallway that needs some decorating tips.**_

_**Phantom- I'm just going to keep staring at her menacingly while I take her to my lair where I can do obscene things to her.**_

**Michele- and Kat's crying again.**

**Kat- I want to go on the small boat where he cant hide from me in the strange underground lair. **

_**Christine- where did all this weird furniture come from?**_

_**Phantom- watch me as I look really sexy as I swish off my cloak…very dramatically. **_

**Kat- You look hot anyway!**

**Michele- Kat! Stop you're drooling on the television.**

**The Music of The Night **

_**Phantom- Let's see if I can make her more high with each word I say.**_

_**Christine- I'm getting sea sick in this boat so I'm just gonna let him help me up and then follow him like I'm having an orgasm and maybe he'll let me go.**_

**Michele- You're having a perpetual orgasm.**

**Kat- Why cant I-**

**Michele- Don't finish that sentence.**

_**Christine- He has little figures of me and the stage. Ok, not sure whether I find that flattering or creepy. And why cant I open my eyes all the way.**_

_**Phantom- Now I'm going to prance around my little piano thing, which I don't remember how I got it down here, and try to look sexier than I am.**_

**Kat- That was a typo! He is sexy!**

**Michele- No it wasn't…let's keep going.**

_**Phantom- I'm gonna raise the pitch of my voice to unstable levels.**_

_**Christine- Wow…how come I can't sing that high? Let me just close my eyes and picture my voice being that pretty.**_

**Michele- Where is she going in this scene?**

**Kat- See…she's in _her_ happy place. A place that (raising voice) better not be populated with perverted thoughts of MY phantom!**

_**Phantom- Mmm…my voice is delicious. If you don't want to eat cake by the time I'm done singing then I haven't done my job as the sexy man in the mask.**_

**Kat-There are a lot of things about you other than your voice that are delicious.**

**Michele- Kat!**

**Kat- What? It's true!**

_**Christine- Wow he just got really close to my face…and now he's rubbing my stomach. He's really good with his hands…is Raoul that good with his hands?**_

**_Phantom- If I touch her stomach its not _technically_ molesting her._**

**Kat- Yes it is…get away from her! Molest me!**

_**Christine- Now he's walking me somewhere…still holding my hand…what does he think I'm a ninety year old woman that needs help crossing the street…and oh…there's at statue of me…wearing a wedding dress…umm…yeah I think that's borderline obsessive. Wow I think those drugs work a little too well. I think I'm gonna…**_

**Faint**

**Kat- time to replace her with me.**

**Michele- Stop plotting.**

_**Phantom- I'm gonna carry her into the swan bed that I hope to share with her one day even though its way to tiny. And stand really close to her face…do you think she'd notice if I stuck my tongue down her throat? **_

**Kat- Yes! bad idea! Don't do it!**

**Michele- He can't hear you.**

**Kat- But….no, don't do iiiiiiiiit!**

_**Phantom- Nahh…she's waking up…later…muuuuuch later. For now I shall hold this single note for way longer than my throat capacity allows and stare fascinatedly through the see through curtain.**_

**Kat – If he can hold a note for that long imagine what he sounds like screaming….**

**Michele – That sounded just _so_ wrong**

**Kat – grin Ohh _yes_**

**I Remember**

_**Christine – Ohh my god….I'm sleeping in a swan…I feel drugged…ooh, misty laaaaake…why does my hair look like I just did someone?**_

**Michele – Oooh, stupid giiiiirl**

**Kat – nodnod She doesn't deserve him, she doesn't know how to care for him, perhaps he should be handed over to someone more _capable_**

**Michele – Shut up shut up shut up shut up…**

_**Christine – Ooh, look, it wasn't just a dream when I was incredibly high on the hormones and the smell of the hot man….and the hot man exists! Hah, score!**_

_**Phantom – I'm just so sexy. I can play the organ, I'm so proud of myself. I have half a brain…and other things.**_

**Kat - Downs a can of coke and yells here here!**

_**Christine- Huh…look he's wearing an angry mask. I wonder if he's angry under it.**_

_**Phantom- Oh…oh my god…she's touching my face…oh sweet god. Wait…no! don't touch the mask…touch something else…anything else…**_

_**Christine- Oh damn it! He wont let me see! Now I'm going to let this annoy me throughout the entire movie and explode at the end!**_

**Kat- Why do you have to ruin my happiness? Why!**

**_Phantom- Shit…hope she didn't see anything yet…it's not done healing from the plastic surgery…I wonder why it's so itchy? Anyway now I'm going to scream repeatedly at her and look _really_ pissed but sexy at the same time._**

**Michele- No you-**

**Kat- Don't you dare finish that sentence.**

**Michele- Yes miss Kat.**

_**Phantom- I have to bring her back so those idiots don't bring Carlotta back. Damn it…cant I keep her?**_

_**Christine- No…he wants to bring me back…umm…good or bad? But I didn't get to screw him yet! pout **_

**Kat- Nooooo! It burns!**

**Michele- Let's review…the Phantom wants to get some before Raoul. Raoul isn't getting any…anytime soon and Christine just wants to get some. Period. Oh yes and the Phantom is a perverted old freak with a strange affinity for plastic surgery…maybe that's why he's attracted to Christine…hmm…I'll leave that to your imaginations.**

**Kat- He-ey! He's not that bad of a-**

**Michele: THAT'S IT, ENOUGH, SHUT UP!**

**Kat- meows But he isn't-**

**Michele: I _said_ shut _up_!**

**Kat- meekly walks off to find her Phantom to huggle**

**Michele: Well, now that she's gone….the Phantom is a manwhore who has had tons of plastic surgery. He is a simple minded idiot who can't figure out whether or not he wants to screw Christine…but that's okay, because Kat's not here, so I can yell whatever I want about him! MANWHORE MANWHORE MANHWHORE! And he wants to molest about nine people and bang Christine just for the fact that he'll be able to brag about the fact that he banged Christine and he's a perv. An old perv. _Kat's_ old perv.**

**Kat- You'll get it from me later when I'm done hunting down the old perv!**

**Michele- Sigh End chapter**


	2. From Mustaches to Doughnuts

**Welcome to the second chapter of 'Did I Say That Out Loud?'. This is Kat speaking right now. My apologies to all Phantom fan girls offended by this thing, as the fic explains, I _am_ one myself. I own nothing at all, except the Phantom of the Opera in my closet for my personal use. _Use_.**

**Note from Michele: Read up until the end because there's an um…creamy surprise. **

**On with the story!**

_**Notes**_

**Kat- Ooh, notes, I hate this scene….**

**Michele- Because there's no Phantom in it?**

**Kat- 'Til the end, and yupp.**

_**Firmin- Ohh shit, our sopranos are all gone. I'll have to go rent one.**_

_**Maids in the background- Stupid weird arrogant pimp jacketed bastard.**_

_**Andre- :Comes out of nowhere: WE HAVE NO CAST! WE HAVE NO MONEY! WE HAVE NOTHING!**_

_**Firmin- Ahh, it's a rabid bunny! Ohh, it's just Andre….phew, better, I thought the rabid bunnies were after me again. **_

_**Andre- We have a weirdass note from the O.G….thing. Should we read it?**_

_**Firmin- No, we must yell about it.**_

**Kat- God, what a mess. Stupid bastards….where's my Phantom?**

**Michele- Patience, jackass.**

**Kat- I have none. Screw you people, I'm goin' to get some popcorn. Tell me when my toy comes on screen :walks off to fetch some popcorn:**

**Michele- Idiot…ahh, alone at last.**

**Kat- :Yells: I'll be back in a whilllllleeeee!**

**Michele- :Sighs and thinks 'no getting rid of her': Okay, now, time for note translations with me!**

_**First note, Andre's**_

**Michele- Dear Andre, Christine was really good with the singing, though I didn't really care. I just want to do her, that's basically it, I care not that she can sing. Kill Carlotta. End of story. I will be back to do Christine very soon.**

_**Second note, Firmin's**_

**Michele- Dear Firmin, I have no money. Where is it, you damn bastard? I need a bigger swan bed and, if not given the money to buy it, will steal it. From you. As always. Mmm, more things to put through the mirror! (see: Things to Big to Fit Through a Mirror, for proper explanation) Wheeeeee! I'm the Phantom of the Opera, I'm better than you, bitch! BEWARE! **

_**End notes…for now**_

**_Phantom- :Stands in the background, looking very shifty like a man who is going to randomly mug someone: Idiots, they think I have a puerile brain. Now, who is it that can't figure out who O.G. is? I rest my case. I'm so smart._ _Whee. :Cape swish which…no one sees. Therefore, pointless cape swish:_**

**Firmin- I bet the dude that sent these notes was that Vicomte person…not sure whether he's a man…or a woman…or human for that matter. ****  
**

**Andre- The Opera Ghost can't mock me! I have this little mustache! You can't mock someone with a little mustache…but then again…Firmin has a little mustache too and his little mustache is smaller than my little mustache…so I guess you can mock someone with a little mustache 'cause, the Ghost can mock Firmin…haha…I don't like Firmin. Note to self: make little mustache smaller than Firmin's. Michele- Umm…ok… **

**Kat- :walks in eating a mouthful of popcorn: wow…he just had a schizophrenic episode…haha. MY PHANTOM IS BETTER THAN YOU!**

**Raoul- Gahh…what have you done to my lovah? **

_**Firmin- Ahhh…it's the long haired man/woman/alien!**_

**Kat- Oh…fun…it's the _pretty boy_. Guess what! The pretty boy gets to kiss the ring!**

**Michele- Kat! If you punch the TV you'll never see the Phantom.**

**Kat- :stops in mid-punch, falls to the floor, and starts rocking back and forth singing_ Past The Point of No Return_.:**

**Andre- Crap…I didn't write the note to the stupid Raoul…maybe it was Firmin. He thinks he's to good to work in the scrap metal business… 'Let's go buy the haunted opera house' he says…stupid Firmin with his little mustache…**

**Raoul- Well, if I hand the letter to one of them, then maybe they'll read the letter out loud and I wont have to admit I can't read.**

**Michele- Yay…more note translations.**

**Kat- Past the point of no return…no going back now…**

**Michele- Umm…right…ignore her.**

**Third note, Raoul**

**Michele- Ha hah Raoul, I got to Christine before you. I will no longer be the Angel of Masturbation! I'm gonna do her before you…na nana na nana.**

**Kat- :shakes her head: WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY PHANTOM!**

**Michele- Umm…he died?**

**Kat- :goes back into her catatonic state, this time singing Music of The Night:**

**Carlotta- I'M BACK! NOOOOBODY PANIC!**

**Firmin - Ahh…it's giant hairball…RUN AWAY!**

_**Andre- She's going to rip off my little mustache…hide!**_

_**Raoul- She's going to make entirely true statements about me, pretend to be invisible!**_

**Kat- :singing _Music of The Night_: _Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar…and you'll live like you've never live before._**

**Michele- Can I please hit you with something? **

**Kat- :just keeps singing:**

**Carlotta- You…MAN…or is it woman?…WITH THE LONG HAIR! I will swallow you whole! You…the lover of the tiny stupid brunette…why doesn't anyone want me? Anyway…I will hurt you because your hand writing is so small that I couldn't read your little letter…why does Andre have a little mustache?**

_**Raoul- Damn it! She's trying to test me to see if I can read…let me just make up a bunch of stuff 'cause I don't think she can read either.**_

**Fourth letter, Carlotta **

**Michele- Dear Carlotta, Ha ha…I hate you…you must die. I will kill you when I can because I am the Phantom of the Opera…THE ALL POWERFUL PHANTOM OF THE OPERA…HAHAHAHAHA! Basically, I win, you lose. You suck, I don't. Ha! Anyway…I'm gonna replace you with Christine 'cause her boobs are bigger. If you try to stop her then I will pop the water balloons that you stick in the front of your shirt and your little dog too!**

**Kat- :singing…yet again: _Stranger than you dreamt it, can you even bare to look or bare to think of me…_**

**Michele- :sneaks up behind her and hits over the head with a notebook.:**

**Kat- :unwavering: _This lonesome gargoyle, who burns in hell but…_**

**Michele- If anyone out there knows a good shrink, anyone?**

**Andre- There are to many notes! I have to go into the bathroom and make my little mustache smaller than Firmin's…stupid Firmin… 'lets go buy the opera…' Gahh!**

_**Firmin- Daae, Daae, Daae, that's all anyone ever says around here! Who the hell is A and why do they want him to die?**_

_**Madame Giry- We found Christine…very tired…very confused…and half naked.**_

_**Firmin- Hmm…that sounds weird…oh well!**_

**_Andre- Crap…now _both _of the sopranos are back…stupid…I only wanted one!_**

_**Raoul- Where the hell is she? I NEED TO SCREW HER!**_

_**Madame Giry- She must have annoyed the Phantom because he has not had his way with her…yet.**_

_**Meg- :pops out from behind her mother: Ha ha…I'm getting more action then both the leading soprano's combined.**_

_**Firmin- AHH…A RADBID PIXIE! Oh, wait, it's the blonde one. Thought the rabid pixie's were attacking me…again. Note to self: steal key to blonde girls room so I can…wait…won't think that…**_

_**Piangi- :appearing from behind Carlotta's hair: Please…tell me she is going to sing.**_

_**Madame Giry- I have a note for all of you that can read.**_

_**Firmin, Andre, Raoul, Carlotta, and Piangi- FORK IT OVER BITCH!**_

**Michele- Wee fun…more notes.**

**Fifth Note, Madame Giry's **

**Michele- Dear Everyone- I have now sent all of you notes. You all make me laugh. You're so stupid. Anyway…so…the theater belongs to me and you can't have it. :Phantom's voice starts to come in:**

**Kat- :snaps out of her catatonia: Yay…my hot Phantom man is back!**

**Michele- shut up I'm trying to translate the notes: Goes back to note translation: You aren't doing what I'm saying and though it is a nice change of pace…it will stop! I brought Christine back even though I really didn't want to…she was just breaking down to the point where I could have…well I won't discuss that now. So, this new opera thing…Carlotta cant sing so she's gonna have a silent role while Christine is going to be in the lead with that nice low cut dress…**

**Kat- It hurts my ears! **

**Carlotta- Ahh…no…I will no keep silent…WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE! I know, the vicomte guy…or is it girl…sent the note thingy…I will make him want me by the end of the movie!**

_**Raoul- I wish I was Christine's lover…so many happy thoughts.**_

**Kat- And that would leave the Phantom nice and right in my grasp.**

**Michele- How did they magically get into the dressing room?**

**Kat- Don't question it…just go with it.**

**Little unnamed woman that follows Carlotta around like a lost puppy- Why am I always the one hit with things?**

_**Carlotta- I'm going to keep attempting to hit high notes and give people headaches until I get my way.**_

_**Firmin- THE HAIRBALL IS GOING TO MAKE MY BRAIN EXPLODE! Give her what she wants!**_

**_Andre- Damn it…Carlotta is going to play the lead thing-a-majig. Oh well…hey I just noticed! I have a little beard thing too! Firmin doesn't have one of those. Ha! I have a little mustache _and _a little beard. Beat that! DIE FIRMIN DIE!_**

**Kat- No…you're not schizophrenic… **

**Firmin- Now we must follow her around and give her whatever she wants. I hope she doesn't want me to listen to her sing…that would be painful.**

**_Guy that moons Carlotta- _Finally_ she'll see what her face looks like._**

_**Ballerina's that are practicing onstage- Ahh…Carlotta's back…get the earplugs. **_

**_Madame Giry- Oh my god…the Phantom's scary! He's knows…he sees you when your sleeping…he _knows_ when your awake…he knows if you've been bad or good-_**

_**Meg- OH MY GOD! THE PHANTOM IS SANTA CLAUS!**_

**Kat- I'll be god damned! **

**Michele- Yea…he's old, ugly, and stalks people…damn, if he was only fat and jolly, he _would_ be Santa Claus!**

**Kat- Say that ever…_ever_, again and I'll hurt you.**

**Michele- Yes Miss Kat.**

**Carlotta- I can't believe they replaced me…my hair is bigger than hers! How could they replace me with someone that doesn't have big hair?**

_**Firmin- I'll do what ever you want…I'll lick your toes! But don't hurt me!**_

_**Andre- Does licking people's toes give you warts?**_

_**Meg- :singing: Santa Clause is comin' to town. But it's not as fun as it sounds.**_

_**Andre- Really…go ahead…be a martyr…don't sing!**_

**_Carlotta- Yay…I have them groveling…THAT'S RIGHT _GROVEL! _KISS MY FEET!_**

**Man at the door- Ahh! I've been blinded by hair! It's SO bright… **

_**Firmin- I've got to get her back…we don't have to pay her!**_

_**Carlotta- I bet they want that little brat with normal hair!**_

**Prima Donna **

**Michele- We interrupt this perverted version of Phantom to bring you this news bulletin.**

**Kat- We don't know _what_ they were thinking during this scene…that's right…even we couldn't do _Prima Donna_.**

**Michele- So we decided to make alternate lyrics.**

**Kat- The Phantom's not in this scene so I feel free to make endless jokes at this song.**

**Michele- So it is our pleasure to announce…Creamy Doughnut. **

**Creamy Doughnut **

**With so much filling inside **

**We are all **

**Patiently waiting **

**To eat you.**

**You are so creamy**

**I'm shouting you're name**

**Think of all your creamy filling.**

**Creamy Doughnut**

**I'll eat you once again**

**Think of the mousse**

**And of your sugar **

**'Round your outside.**

**Can you deny us**

**The cream that's in store?**

**Eat, Creamy Doughnut once more.**

**Do you want a doughnut?**

**Creamy Doughnut**

**Taste sweet once again**

**You are so crispy**

**And there are people**

**Who want you.**

**Those who've had a taste **

**Come back for more and more**

**Think how they'll cry **

**When they finally dig in**

**We get the doughnut **

**And it's so creamy**

**Creamy doughnuts are so tasty**

**Creamy Doughnut**

**My hunger will not die**

**How nice it'll be**

**To taste your creamy filling**

**Think how tasty it'll be**

**When we reach the core**

**Eat, Creamy Doughnut once more**

**I must savor this moment**

**Who'd believe this doughut**

**Happy to relieve the**

**Jelly doughnut I've been**

**Eating all along?**

**Now me and my doughnut**

**Can finally enjoy each other**

**Although I do demur**

**I did have the jelly one**

**I have to get away**

**So I can go and eat**

**And I can almost taste**

**The doughnut on my tongue**

**It's just the type of doughnut**

**Everyone loves**

**Oh wait I forgot the milk!**

**Creamy Doughnut**

**Oh I just can't wait to eat**

**And can't wait**

**I just hate to be cheated**

**Light up my taste buds**

**With that age old cream**

**Eat, Creamy Doughnut once more!**

**Michele- Yeah…**

**Kat- Wow…I want a doughnut:walks off to find a doughnut:**

**Michele- Ok…now that she's gone… Wheeee! Did everyone have fun? Andre is a little man that is endlessly obsessed with his little mustache…there's actually a story behind it. Firmin thought that they were to good to work in the junk business :voice is heard in the background saying_ scrap metal_: so he persuaded Andre to buy the opera house and the rest is history. Anyway well Andre is a little man that has an obsessive need to talk about little mustaches. Firmin believes that rabid bunnies, giant hairballs, and rabid pixie's are around every corner waiting to attack him. Raoul is a…well…we don't exactly know what Raoul is at this point. Carlotta is well scary and Meg believes that the Phantom is Santa Claus.**

**Kat- :from another room is singing Creamy Doughnut:**

**Michele- :sighs: Well anyway…we didn't see much of the manwhore in the scene…ha ha…that's _Michele's_ happy place…no Phantom…Anyway, hope everyone liked Creamy Doughnut. Don't hurt me to bad. I'm sure that the Phantom would like it cause he doesn't like anything original anyway…he like's Christine doesn't he? You figure that out on your own. The pervy old bastard hasn't tried anything in a while…Maybe he is Santa Claus 'cause he-**

**Kat- I told you I'd hurt you if you _ever_ SAID THAT AGAIN! **

**:POUNCE:**

**Michele- AHHHHHHHH END CHAPTER! **

**Kat- YOU GET TO KISS THE RING!**


End file.
